You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
