3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Randomize
