Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
