Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
