Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
