I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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