I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
