if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Please, let me fuck your mom
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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