He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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