Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
