Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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