Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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