How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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