don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
