oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I skipped work to stalk him.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
