The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was confusing and full of hummus
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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