My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
