haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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