I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
