He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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