I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
