I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
