I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
