you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
