Betty ford says i'm here all night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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