What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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