Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
