I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
how does that bad decision feel?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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