We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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