i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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