I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
