WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
