For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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