You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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