I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's never too late to be topless.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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