i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
