I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
