I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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