I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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