oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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