Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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