How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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