She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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