Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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