I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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