I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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