also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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