come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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