Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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