Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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