Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
