i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
