My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
