my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
