Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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